We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
