ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Ambien. No doubt about it.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
