I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
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