My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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