I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
