When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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