Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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