God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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