he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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