dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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