I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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