So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My dad just said "fuck circus"
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
