so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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