If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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