dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
