just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
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