I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
