Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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