I think my vagina is haunted
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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