Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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