The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
