You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize