i wish there were pregnant emoticons
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
