I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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