I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
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