i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
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