I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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