She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
