I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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