My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
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