I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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