He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize