im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
