WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
