I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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