There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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