awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
