Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
