"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
