White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
