why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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