i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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