I only kidnapped one of them. chill
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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