Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
