we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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