I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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