maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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