I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
