Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
