Your face is a jimmy john
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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