If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
