My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
