thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
