"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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