I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
