Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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