I wish my penis had an off switch
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
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