Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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