my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
