i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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