I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize