i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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