Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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