She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
