at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize