I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
