I just pynch a tree in the face
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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